A World Gone Wrong
by the mean spleen
Summary: Strange tale produced by the monkey 782 of the thousand monkeys on the thousand typewriters. He's proud of it though.


Disclaimer: Everyone in their original form belongs to Marvel.

Author's Notes: At the end

"The place could really do with a good coat of paint or something, it's really starting to look shoddy."

"Keep your pants on Chuck, the place looks fine."

"I don't know Logan, we could at least re-hire the groundskeeper."

"Over my dead body." The answer came slowly to emphasize his seriousness.

"But you even said at the time that you were over-reacting."

"Doesn't matter what I said then, he's not coming back, full stop."

Knowing that Logan's mind would not be changed, Xavier sighed. 

Logan for his part was bored and his stomach was rumbling. Why the hell did the old man have to hold the meetings at lunchtime? He decided to let his stomach do the talking.

"Is there anything else on the agenda or can I go now?"

"No, that's it Logan."

Logan leapt off the plush chair.

"'Til next month, then Chuck."

"Until next month."

He watched Logan go before turning to look upon the grounds of his beloved academy. Logan passed the window beneath him. He could just make out Logan talking to someone out of view. He took a bar of chocolate out of his pocket, which he tossed into the grass behind him.

The grass started to move like something out of Jurassic Park, with somebody or something pushing the grass down to move in towards the chocolate bar. He could hear screaming again not unlike Jurassic Park when finally a number of the younger kids emerged from the grass. Sam, Angelo and…and, crap he couldn't remember.

They all looked under nourished, their clothes torn and dirty. Xavier sighed once more. It was fast becoming the sound he made most often. Watching the wretched urchins, he knew that there was something he had forgot to mention to his headmaster.

Logan entered the hall to find his appointed meal waiting for him. He looked at the juicy stake hungrily. On either side of his seat, his two most senior "teachers", Ororo and Jean, perched on stools, waiting for Logan's arrival. 

He rubbed the stubble on his chin as he regarded the two. 

"Ladies, you are looking mighty fine this afternoon."

They both blushed and looked at the table.

Logan scratched his belly. There was no doubt about it, but he was hungry.

He sat down between them, giving them both an appreciative pat on the behind before putting a paper napkin round his neck and getting stuck into the food. Spilling a good deal of it down his already dirty shirt.

Besides the stake, there were a number of other dishes laid out around the table containing various vegetables and the like. Logan scoffed at them between mouthfuls of almost raw meat.

"Hank must think I'm a rabbit or something." 

They two women giggled at this. He smiled at them and noticed that they were not joining him.

"Not hungry girls?"

Ororo answered first, a lusty eye in her look. 

"I plan to dine later on."

Logan caught her meaning and smiled his most devilish smile. 

Seeing that she was losing the battle for his attention, Jean hoisted up a good deal of the front of her chequered shirt, which really meant that it was his shirt. 

"I've got to watch my figure," She said neutrally.

Logan turned to look at her and immediately noticed her bare stomach. She ran a finger slowly over it and they both knew that there wasn't an ounce of fat there. He gave her the devilish smile too. Logan decided there and then that he was going to have to call a special "staff meeting" with his two teachers. It was going to be a busy afternoon. 

The girls sat quietly while he finishing stuffing his face. Upon finishing Jean put a cigar in his mouth, which Ororo lit. He leaned back in the chair, his swollen belly peaking out from under his ragged shirt. In the good old days, his metabolism would have processed the food and he'd be as thin as Jean. However, recently he'd been stuffing him self so much that his metabolism, if it could write, would have sent him a letter informing him that it was going on a vacation, leaving his body to suffer like everyone else's. 

Still though, Logan considered as he gave the girls another pat on their respective rears, life was good.

Jubilee turned John's face this way and that. 

"Hmmm, I don't know. His is different somehow."

Marie looked at him from a different angle. 

"It's near as makes no difference, Honey."

Kitty agreed. 

"You're never going to get 100% right."

John looked in the mirror. 

"Marie is right. No amount of gel is going to get that look. I don't know how he styles his hair that way."

Marie looked offended.

"It ain't no styling, Sugah, that's all natural."

Jubilee wasn't interested.

"Look, whatever. I'm turning 18 in a month and I want to be ready."

She grabbed John by his dirty shirt and dragged him into her bedroom.

"Come here, Logan Jnr." She said as she shut the door.

Kitty looked at Marie.

"Better leave 'em at it I suppose."

The kitchen was empty but for Bobby, who sat with Hank, who was eating a sandwich. 

"If we don't get the grass cut soon, we're going to start losing some of the smaller kids in it." Bobby said, genuinely concerned.

"I believe Charles has raised the matter with Logan, but he is adamant that the groundskeeper not return after the events of last month."

"Everyone in the place knows that Fred didn't steal Logan's drink."

"The facts, irrefutable though they are, have no baring where Logan is the judge."

Other then Charles, the two wore the only clean clothes in the entire academy. They had to wash them themselves, but as Hank was fond of pointing out, cleanliness was next to godliness.

They both mused on how much the place had changed since Logan's arrival. Xavier's Academy for the Gifted, or to give it the paper title that someone had hung up over the original bronze one, Logan's Academy for Groupies had become a very strange place (Logan liked the new title so much, he decided it would stay). The principle teachers, Jean Grey and Ororo Munroe had undergone frightful transformations, and were now Logan's self styled cheerleading squad (He even bought them matching outfits.)

Logan's administrative was a simple one, don't annoy him and you'll do just fine. All the older girls thought he was just the devil himself, even when he started developing the gut. The guys of course, in a vein effort to keep in with the girls, tried to be even more devilish. Well, John and Remy did anyway. Kurt left after a month to go to a monastery calling the place a breathing ground for heathens. Bobby, who had normally been a rebel, now found he had nothing to rebel against and so instead became a decent and hard working student under Hank's and Xavier's tutelage. They were the only other two who remained sane as the rest went to hell in a hand basket.

The younger children were by and large left to fend for themselves. The two sane adults did what they could, but Logan stated that living rough would toughen them up. And anyway, winter didn't officially start for another two weeks.

"What's on the agenda today, Hank?"

"Maths and physics."

Bobby smiled, two of his favourites.

It was the late evening as Logan sat in the headmaster's office, his office, with his feet up on the desk, reading a girlie mag. There was a knock at the door. He grunted.

"Yeah"

John came in, looking the worse for wear, a smudged streak of lipstick running from the side of his mouth and along his face.

"Sit."

John looked around for a chair. There was none.

"On the floor, dumbass."

"Sorry." John stated as he knelled on the floor, now only able to see Logan's feet on the desk.

"What's this I hear about you and Jubilee?"

"Sir."

"Don't sir me John, I'm no knight."

"Well…ah…she ah…" 

"Are you going talk any faster or should I come back in an hour when you get to the interesting bit? Listen bub. I hear that you two have been going hot and heavy recently. I just want you to know that as long as she's under 18, there are limits. You remember what happened to Remy?"

John nodded. There were still a few patches on Remy's head where the hair had yet to go back after Logan punished him for an indiscretion with Marie. She for her part had been declared untouchable which she was already so no one felt sorry for her at all.

"Okay now get out here, I'm just getting to the centrefold."

"Okay." John said as he got up off the ground. 

"Oh John."

"Yes"

"I like what you've done with your hair."

John smiled as he went out the door, closing it softly behind him.

"Dumbass" Logan thought as he returned his attention to Kandy Apples.

"Very tasty apples indeed" muttered to himself.

This was how Logan applied discipline. As long as you didn't break any of the commandantments you were left alone. 

1.Thou shalt not touch Logan's beer.

2.Thou shalt not touch Logan's cigars.

3.Thou shalt not touch anything under 18 years of age.

4.Thou shalt not ever cross Logan as he can be pissed off at any time.

And so it went. He hadn't bothered to write them out or anything. That would make them official and he was having none of that in his academy.

He tended to leave Hank and the Professor alone, knowing that the place needed some respectable faces for when those times came that they…ahh…needed respectable faces.

Though the emphasis on education within the wall of the academy had slumped somewhat under his guidance, it wasn't the only thing to suffer. Their performance as general mutant protectors of the populace had also fallen. 

The most recent incident occurred when Magneto, a thoroughly bad egg if ever there was one, had attacked a laboratory for whatever reason it was that he attacked these places. The X-Men had of course suited up, (Remy wearing a cap to hide his recently shaved head) and proceeded to the hangar where their high tech steed awaited them. 

Unfortunately it seemed that Logan had, instead of buy the fuel that powered the place, spent the money on a large cache of drink. So Magneto got to rob the lab and by the time the X-Men arrived (in Taxis) he had long since gone. Logan decided to put this one down to experience. He still hasn't purchased fuel for the jet.

Still, he thought, life was good as he rolled over in the bed, Jean's slumbering form next to him. Though she had only just closed her eyes, her whole body was still covered in sweat after Logan's staff meeting with her. It had gone on longer then he had expected and had lasted through the night until early morning. He looked out at the rising sun and stretched, a few joints popping (do metal joints pop or do they rust?) She had worn him out.

He rose slowly, his belly spilling out over his boxers. He walked to the door, after all this wasn't his room, and got ready to leave. 

"Logan, get back in here." Jeans voice called to him. He actually felt weary and wasn't sure if he'd survive another round with her.

"Geez, red. I need to get a few hours sleep. I'm on my last legs here."

She looked at him doubtfully from between heavy eyelids. 

"Whatever." And she rolled over covering herself in the quilt.

He opened the door and started shuffling down the hall.

As he passed Ororo's door, he picked up her unmistakable scent. He stopped for a moment and then tapped lightly on the door.

"Yes." Came her voice immediately. She must have been up.

"It's me." Logan whispered through the keyhole.

"Come in," she said immediately, her voice demurring instantly.

Logan stood for a moment before opening the door. Ororo gobbled him up with her eyes. He smiled his devilish smile.

"Well, what do you know, I'm just after getting my second wind."

Ororo giggled as Logan ran his stubble covered chin over her leg. 

"Stop that, it tickles."

"You think that tickles, wait 'til I-"

# "ATTENTION"

The professor's voice over the intercom interrupted Logan. It was an automated message.

"**The perimeter has been breached by hostile forces. ATTENTION The perimeter has been breached by hostile forces."**

** **

"For god's sake," Logan huffed as he got up off Ororo. The message continued to play in the background. 

"Quick, kill the message." He said to Ororo.

She looked at him blankly.

"Go down to the command and shut off the warning. One of the kids must have tripped it."

Ororo huffed, as she quickly got dressed. Logan just lay in bed rubbing his belly. It was starting to tell him that it was near empty again and he better rectify the situation immediately.

Ororo let him to his thoughts (Hungry) as she went to turn off the alarm. She quickly came back in.

"Logan, Sabretooth is out on the grounds ripping your bike to shreds."

Logan bolted upright.

"What kind of time does he call this?" He muttered as he brushed past Ororo to get to the lift leading to the "secret" area. Ororo followed and Jean met him in the corridor. 

"What's happening?"

"Sabretooth has lost the run of himself. Quick, lets get suited up."

They made their way in silence to the command centre. Ororo killed the message, which still played in the background. 

Jean had already put her suit on as Logan took a look at his own. Something was wrong. Ororo started to put hers on and was finished by the time he had gone the leather pants on. He grabbed the top and tried to slide into it. Everything was going fine until the tight leather top met his flabby stomach. 

"Girls, you couldn't give me a hand."

Ororo and Jean grabbed a side each and tried to wrench it down over him. No dice. Logan felt slightly embarrassed. 

Xavier's voice came calmly over the intercom. 

"I suggest you hurry. Sabretooth is setting fire to John's hair."

"Be right there, Chuck," Logan answered from beneath the bottom half of his top. 

"I've got an idea, stand back girls." And Logan proceeded to do what he always did when things got tough.

Sabretooth was tired of playing with this one. After he had set hair to his fire, the gel caused it to go up too quickly to be really funny. He looked around for the next opponent, this assignment proving far easier then he originally thought.

"Hey bub, play school is closed for the winter."

Sabretooth turned to face his most visceral foe and…thought he might collapse with laughter. Logan stood, claws out ready to fight and instead Sabretooth was leaning against the wall trying to catch his breath.

"You gonna fight or laugh, Bigfoot" said a slightly indignant Logan.

He knew why Sabretooth was laughing. Though his pants were on perfectly, Logan had altered his top, cutting it down the middle so that he could wear it like a jacket. It meant however that his belly was still peaking out.

Jean and Ororo, it had to be said were doing an admirable job of keeping straight faces. They became more serious as Mystique and Toad emerged from the long grass. 

Toad looked out of breath.

"D'you ever think of cutting this?" he said pointing to the grass. Mystique simply narrowed her eyes.

Ororo and Jean looked to Logan.

"What are your orders, Logan?"

Logan looked at them as if they were stupid. "We fight them"

"That's it, we fight them and we win."

Okay, not exactly the pinnacle of military strategy, but it had worked throughout Logan's life so far, no reason why it wouldn't work now.

"Ahh, enough of this strategy business" and he launched himself at Sabretooth.

From the rooftops, Hank and Bobby watched helplessly. They saw from the other side of the mansion, Magneto float silently down to Charles's office. Hank just hoped that the Professor would handle his old friend. Bobby grabbed his arm and brought his attention back to the melee below where they were suffering a sound trashing. 

"Hank, you remember the main reason the Russians won the battle of Stalingrad."

"Of course, Bobby, the German lines had been…Oh I see what you mean. I'll get the hose."

"Eric, what is it you want?"

Magneto sat bolt upright in the chair opposite Xavier.

"I'm concerned Charles."

"Oh."

"When we robbed the lab last month, we do so as a lure to tempt your team out into the open in order to test my latest gizmo."

"You latest gizmo?"

"I haven't given it a name. That's not the point. The point is your guys never showed up. What's the problem?"

"Do you have all day?"

"And…this…is…for…dropping…me…in…the…river." Sabretooth punch Logan in the face for each word. After knocking him over, he found that Logan was having problem getting back up so he simply sat on him and started punching him in the face.

Toad and Mystique were enjoying similar success against Jean and Ororo, using double-teaming to keep them on the back foot.

They all felt the change in temperature as it began to drop suddenly.

Jean looked at Ororo, suspecting her but from the look on her face she could tell it was not the weather witch.

"Jean, get down." Hank's voice reached her and she ducked just as a snowball sailed over her head and hit Toad square in the face.

"Good shot, Bobby" Hank said as he clapped Bobby on the shoulder. 

"Start the hose, Hank."

With Hank using the hose to spread water, and more importantly moisture everywhere, Bobby began shooting ice at the villains. 

Toad, angry after getting hit, sprang on to the wall but found no grip as Bobby slicked the wall with a thin layer of ice and tumbled back to the ground. 

Hank was enjoying himself thoroughly. As in WW2, it would be the elements that would defeat their foes, of course given a helping hand by one Robert Drake.

"So you see, without a stabilizing influence, the place is like a holiday camp."

Eric nodded, understanding Charles's predicament. 

"You need someone, who can fulfil the role of secretary, organizer, teacher, leader and role model all wrapped up into one."

"That's right."

"I don't envy you Charles, but I do recommend you find someone. Work has been very boring without some decent opposition."

And with that he got up and went to collect his brothers, who were having no luck storming Castle Hank.

The brotherhood departed as quickly as it arrived, leaving the grounds covered in slush and Logan nursing a wounded ego which he hid behind his usual bluster.

"What I tell ya, fight them and we win."

Jean looked at him doubtfully before looking at the heroes of the hour, who were descending to earth, on an ice slide of Bobby's making. Jean made her way up to the two immediately before turning to face Logan.

"If it's okay with you Logan, I'd like to stay in Bobby's room tonight."

It would be a tough call to decide who looked more stunned, Bobby or Logan. Ororo walked up to the trio before also turning to Logan.

"And I have been meaning to catch up on making the most of Hank…I mean making the most of Hank's library." 

It was hard to tell if Hank was blushing beneath all the fur. The two couples turned and made their way back into the mansion.

Logan watched them go. The day had been won by a couple of dorks. His belly grumbled in agreement. 

"Ahh shut up."

The End

Author's Notes: A cautionary tale showing that even though he's a bit of a dork (wonderful American word) Scott Summers is an essential cog in the machine. 


End file.
